What defines moving on? Is it the physical attributes that surround it? The ability to fill up empty space with someone else? The laughter of new love? The essence of time blurring memories and lessening the fired synapses of lost moments?

I’ve got a theory: we never actually move on.

If our lives truly are the collection of experiences drowned in Instagram-filtered lenses, then who’s to say that instead of truly dealing with our darkest times, we just layer on more memories to hide it in a stack of photographs? Each new moment plays a specific role in building up our emotional tolerance, all in hopes of fading the feelings and thoughts associated with your personal loss. And for a majority of the time, it works. But who hasn’t felt that one day, years later, when the personal pain long forgotten twinges your heart as if it happened yesterday? Maybe it’s the anniversary, or catching up with an old friend or wafting through a familiar scent – but something triggers that one torn up photograph in your neatly piled stack.

Which begs the question, if we are SO moved on, then why does that emotional aftertaste still exist? Why does it stick to your heart like some shoe-dwelling gum?

As a specimen of the male species, I can safely say that ‘not dealing with things’ isn’t some Venus/Mars comparison, but quite possibly the most human thing about guys. We openly admit that the stack of photographs exists, that we can move forward and hide it. And a lot of times, we are lambasted for it. Talk, they say. Let it out. From my experience, this has never boded well. We rehash arguments, memories, love & death all to feel exhausted to the point of emotional numbness. This process then creates the (misleading) feeling of moving on. And then one year later, we tackle it all over again. The same hurt, the same arguments, the same memories, the same love and always the same death.

What I’m trying to say here: there’s a difference between moving on and moving forward. A man is made to believe that moving on, openly, is required to be emotionally healthy (or worse, the dreaded word available). But that’s not necessarily true. Guys can continually improve themselves without cutting these invisible chains. I’d even argue accepting you will always be immersed in these memories of loss while moving forward is the pinnacle achievement of emotional progression. Sometimes looking back reminds us of how far we’ve come.

Moving On vs. Moving Forward

Moving forward is the key. We must always look forward – to the future, to our family, to vacations, to work, to friends, to good sex and great laughs. So maybe it’s time we agree that moving on isn’t necessary to move forward. Maybe we should accept these times in our lives that altered our perspectives, our beliefs & our roadmap. Erase the guilt of feeling that darkness wash over you once every year and embrace it. Embrace that something happened to you that changed you.

As men, we owe it to ourselves to never forget where we started. Because our very own origin story – our stack of photographs – have helped build us into who we are today. And because of that, I truly believe I don’t ever want to move on – I want to remember this forever.

Editor’s Note

Take a moment of reflection. Look at your life and the life of your moral exemplars. Every hero’s tale starts with pain and ends with purpose. They are changed men. Their ego ridden lives of vanity were broken and shattered into pieces, only to be forged back together with something stronger. Embrace that something happened to you that changed you. This is the difference between running away and running forward.